Wut My Tats Meen

The first thing anyone ever says to me about my ink is “what do they mean”. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing but I do sometimes wonder how much that happens because of all the tattoo TV shows, where every bit of work has a hugely emotional and depressing or uplifting story behind it.





Somebody I know answers the question by simply saying “because it makes me look like a bad ass”

I take a slightly different approach and if it is a meaning they want it is a meaning they will get. I thought I would write down a bit about what each of my tattoos mean…

Playing Cards

These are to do with my gambling addiction I had as a small child, from the ages of about 5 to 11 I was addicted to gambling with the older kids in school and sometimes I would lose an insane amount in one short break time game of snap. I once lost 29p and a jam sandwich to a real bad ass 14-year-old, you know the type, he was a proper nutter and even did really bad things like wore trainers instead of shoes and turned up to class 5 minutes late. Anyway when I couldn’t pay up I ended up getting the worst Chinese burn of my life and it was at this point, while at rock bottom I realised I needed help and I checked myself into Miss Smiths Drug and Gambling addiction clinics during Wednesday lunchtimes.

I got the cards permanently inked on myself to make sure I never fall back into my old ways. The cards say T. H. 88.05 instead of ace, king, 1,2,3,4 etc because the guy who did it was reely bad at speeling.

Gypsy Lady

I got the gypsy face on the inside of my right arm because I used to be a small gypsy woman and it is a portrait of myself before I had the operations. It reminds me of simpler times when I had a vagina in my pants and a rose in my hair.

Pocket Watch and Broken Hour Glass

The pocket watch and hour-glass are reminders for me. You see I am actually a time traveller from the year 2013 and I am stuck here in the past due to a horrific malfunction in my VW Scirocco time machine (DeLorean’s are way too fucking expensive) The car’s clock is set to 4:10 and I always check back to it at that precise time hoping that something might happen. It is for this reason my pocket watch also shows the time as 4:10, so that I never forget when I’m supposed to check on my machine. The broken hourglass represents the tear I have inevitably created by getting myself stuck here in the past, god knows what I have done but I fear the future is completely different to how I left it, who knows we might never find those awesome friendly alien dudes now.


I have a gramophone on the top of my arm, which was actually a new type of ink. It plays music from the inbuilt microprocessors that work in the ink and the music is sent as signal through your bloodstream to your brain where you here it like it is playing through the best and loudest speakers ever created. It was invented way in the future of April 2012 and it created a whole new market and single-handedly saved the music business that had completely collapsed. Artists such as Bono and Britney Spears turned to prostitution and pornography to make a living and pay off their debts. The last I heard Bono had been strangled by a shemales penis during a rough session.

The album I have in mine is the multi award-winning and biggest selling album of all time – Thriller by Glee

Spark Plugs

These aren’t actually tattoos but real spark plugs that shot out of my engine and embedded themselves in my chest. It really hurt and broke several ribs when it happened, the Doctor said I was lucky to be alive although the electrodes have gone into my heart so every now and again I have to charge myself up.


*I actually don’t mind watching Miami Ink, I also don’t mind people asking me about my tattoos but depending on what mood I’m in depends on what kind of answer you will get.


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