An Application For A Job At The Daily Mail

This is an open example of an article to show why I should become a writer for the most honest and educated publication in the whole world. The Daily Mail.

The Plight Of The Wonky Pub Table (Immigrants, Sex scandal, Celebrity And The BNP)

Gordon Brown today issued a statement saying despite appeals from the Wonky Pub Table Coalition (WPTC) the problem of slightly ‘off’ tables in pubs and restaurants would not be receiving any government funded money to try to right this awful plight on the innocent beer drinkers of the UK.

how all pub tables should be - Flat

Despite desperate pleas from the coalition and a celebrity single called ‘Clocks (Time Stands Still As My Pint Falls To The Floor)’, which is a cover of the well known Coldplay song featuring Amy Winehouse, Shane Macgowan, William Shatner, David Hasselhoff and of course Bono. The Government feel they have no reason to inject cash into a fix up campaign started by the WPTC that aims to add, on average, 1cm of wood to each wonky table leg in every pub across the UK but say instead the much needed money will go into immigrant housing.

David Cameron and the Conservative party have said they oppose Labour’s stance but had to ask for clarification as to what a wonky table is. They were later heard saying “Oh the thing the butler would normally take care of” after somebody explained to them what the WPTC stood for.

The only real opposition is the BNP who have released this statement,

Once again this poor and out of touch government have chosen to ignore the severe difficulty everyday Britons go through, who just want a nice drink after working a shift having to put up with all the non white people and instead they choose to spend the money on IMMIGRANT housing. Before long the wonky tables wont even matter as all of our local beloved drinking establishments will be overrun with jobless money grabbers sponging off our taxes!

The BNP later confirmed the last part of that statement was about immigrants and not hard-working but unfortunate unemployed british citizens.

Mother of 8 and Big Brother star Chanise Jedward has also been raising awareness for the problem by releasing a sex tape where she can be seen being intimate with an unnamed stripper on top of a wonky table and later on in the film simulates oral sex with the tables short leg.

Her publicist Max Clifford said although ‘accidentally’ released 9 months ago the DVD will now be available legally and all profits will go to WPTC funding. It is believed she will be making a sequel and Prince Harry is rumoured to be in it.

A normal every day worker who is a member of the WPTC has told us exclusively, that they have big plans in the coming year including petitions, rally’s and superhero costumes to try and get the funding they are in dire need of. He also said “That moment of despair a drinker has when they realise their drink is spilling because of a wonky table is akin to the worse kind of terror threat or natural disaster and we will defeat the problem even if it means the government needs to cut NHS funds to help us!”

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2 Responses to “An Application For A Job At The Daily Mail”

  1. Lacks references to Baby P or Princess Di, otherwise smashing.

    • I thought about doing a bit with Princess Di but thought that was more of a Daily Star thing, now I’m disappointed in myself for leaving it out.

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